Dear God

I am having another “Elijah moment” (I have a lot of those don’t I)? I am reminded that I am a very shallow, sensitive, and insecure person. I have many anxieties, worries, fears, responsibilities, and burdens. I also feel like I am involved with or at the brink of conflicts and confrontations all day long. I feel like I have to really work at everything, including reading, writing, and plain old conversing. In addition to all these pressures, I am supposed to “conduct myself in a manner worthy of my calling” (Ephesians 4:1). Guess what—yeah, I know You know this already. I can’t do it. I can’t handle life and Your expectations.

This is why I need you. Everyday I need to be affirmed by You. Everyday I need to feel that I am loved by You. Everyday I want to have the sense that You are walking with me. And like the slogan, “I don’t want to leave home without it”, I don’t want to leave my “prayer closet” without You because LORD, You are my sanity. You are my stress relief. You are my hiding place. You are my security. You are my strength. You are my joy. You are my hope. You are my rest.

My morning hours with You seems so unstructured, undisciplined, untraditional, and unconventional. It’s not a systematic study or a regimented prayer time. (Most of the other areas in my life are disciplined.)

You know that when I have tried to do a thematic Bible Study or pray systematically in the past, I’ve spent my time fighting to stay focused and on course. When I was done, I felt drained and exhausted before my day even began. It felt no different than the rest of my day.

These days, I let You take me where You want me to go. It feels wild and reckless, but at the end of our time together, I have a feeling of wholeness and well being. I feel like I have the energy and the power to deal with the rest of the day. I guess I’m not willing to trade our rendezvous for anything. I know our relationship can be better and I know that there can be much more. But at this point in time, I’m not willing to trade in what I have—a sense of your Presence, a feeling of intimacy for any “program” that seems to want to accomplish what I am already experiencing.

I can identify a little bit with the Psalmists who said, “O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water.” (Psalms 63:1) and “As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for You, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. Where can I go to meet with God.” (Psalms 42:1-2)

I am glad that I found You—on second thought, I am so glad that You found me because who else can give me life? (John 6:68-69). Thanks for listening. Love, me