Denial

I have seen a several doctors because of my concerns about my failing memory.  During each visit I’ve mentioned that I am often confused and feel unsettled about my “mental” state.  On each occasion, I informed my doctors that I ignore my negative feelings and put my entire focus on what I have to do or accomplish.  What I was trying to tell them was don’t be concerned about my feelings but to focus on my memory issues.

However, at each visit the doctors were insistent about talking about my emotional state because, as they put it, “our emotions are tied into who we are.”  It wasn’t until Robin (who accompanied me) explained to them that I was fully aware of my feelings and acknowledged them, but made a conscious decision not to submit to them.  Only then did they begin to hear what I was saying.

Robin then told the doctors of an incident that happened earlier that illustrated the point.  Robin told the doctors that I had been working long, hard hours and that I was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.  She told them that one day I had pulled into the parking lot of my job, sat there, and had a conversation with myself.  I felt like a boxer who had gone nine grueling rounds of a boxing match and the bell had rung for the tenth round.  I felt like I could throw in the towel and call it quits, or I could get up and get out of my corner to meet my opponent.  After a deep sigh, I turned off the engine to my car, grabbed my lunch box, and headed into the building.

After the doctors heard what Robin said, they felt better about continuing.  They obviously thought that I was in denial about my feelings.

On the contrary, I am very aware of my tiredness, frustrations, insecurities, fears, discomforts, pains, etc.  Every day I make decisions on how I am going to deal with them.  Every day I have to decide whether or not to let my emotions will rule me or not.  Every day I have to decide what I will give my attention to and what my goals and purpose is.  Once I make my decision for that day or event, I continually remind myself to fix my eyes on the decision that I made.  This is what I mean by ignoring my feelings.

I did not come up with this mindset by myself;  I learned it from someone else.  I have a good teacher whose whole life reminds me of the decision-making process.  I am continually reminded of the time when He made a huge decision.  I remember the agonizing conflict He went through.  I still hear Him say, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from Me . . .”

I get that.  It seems like that’s the prayer of my life.  There are so many things in life that I don’t want to deal with.  There are so many things that I want to walk away from.  There are so many situations that I would like to go away, but here’s the dagger that pierces my heart: My Counselor and Friend did not end His prayer with, “take this cup away from Me,” but ended with, “Yet not as I will, but as You will.”

His decision cost Him His life, but gave me mine.  Because Jesus made a decision for me, I have to continually decide who will rule over my life.  That’s why I can ignore my feelings.